I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
