I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
