once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
