$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
