Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
