On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
