Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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