Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
