My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
