The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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