i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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