Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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