I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just cropdusted the office
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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