i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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