I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The beer is more important than you right now.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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