so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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