Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
