Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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