i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
