before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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