i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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