i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
