I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
