I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
