george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
