did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
