fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
