Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
