Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
