You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
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