my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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