Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
