i love accidental penises.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
