Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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