OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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