I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
