the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
