just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
