meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
