you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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