He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
