I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
