I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
