I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
