hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
