FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
