i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
how does that bad decision feel?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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