So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
