I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
