my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
