We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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