i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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