i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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